Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

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[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*


I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.


If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.


We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.


When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…


When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…



Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol


Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.



Me: Well, obviously.


[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.


I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.


Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do