“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Saturday
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.