“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
What
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
finally
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon