“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
