“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.