Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Netflix: We have Less

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.