Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

why isn’t thunder called soundning

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no