Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u