Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.