Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer