Someone called a truck stop a trailer park today and at first I was like “idiot” but then I was like that actually makes more sense
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
No laws when master is gone
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
🤔😂😂
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
What kind of a cult is this?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.