Someone called a truck stop a trailer park today and at first I was like “idiot” but then I was like that actually makes more sense
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The funk soul brother
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts