Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat