Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
if my sleeping schedule was a person
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
☺️
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.