Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!