Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

notice

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.