Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?