Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

That 👊

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

This could be us… but you playing

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?