Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.