Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

How do you milk an almond?

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Remember folks 😂

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

U talkin 2 me?

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.