Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

classic mixup

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you