Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.