Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Not today
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
