Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

*swipes right on my hand mirror

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍