Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Storm Tropical Storm

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit