Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

(Electricians.)

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.