Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[eulogy]
line?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*