Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
You Might Also Like
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.