Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
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We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Where is your GOD now????
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast