Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.