Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
spot the difference
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.