Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Seek kebab; not attention
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg