Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.