She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
What number SPF blocks people?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god