someone clearly didn’t think this through

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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.


I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.


Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’


Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.


[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.


A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge


I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.