*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
📽️movie date🎞️
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Animal poetry
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
my name if I was in the mob
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people