Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
WHO DID THIS?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow