Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Not all heroes wear capes….

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

This kid is a star!

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund