Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

boat question

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.