Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
All is fair in drunk and war.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.