Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.