Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
