Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
