Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Support your local cemetery
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
How about daylight saves us for once