Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud