Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.