someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister