someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Ha
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Not with that attitude
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
