someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
So sorry
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Duck typos.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out