someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.