Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.