someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.