someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
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Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.