someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala