someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.