someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.