Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

making sure he doesnt get away

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Hmmmmm

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers