someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later