Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.