Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Ron is short for Aaronald

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?