Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.