Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

bro what is going on at twitter

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

A choir of Spring onions

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat