Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

see you in hell you stupid fruit

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

We know he can swim but…

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10