(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person