Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Take care of yourself, ladies

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

my retirement plan is braless

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!