Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Sheep

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.