Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’d love this…lol
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.