Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Interior designer.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.