Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
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Me too, bag. Me too….
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
What happened to the other hiker??!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.