Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning