Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
The smoothest fall of all time
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist