Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
The Birdles
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: